8 things I’m doing to combat my self-doubt
Freaking out as I nervously share my dreams—both the conscious and unconscious ones
You’ll soon understand why I’m using this picture.
My asleep dream
Do you ever have one of those very vivid and random dreams where you wake up and have to Google what the heck it could’ve meant?
I had one of those the other night.
I was rock climbing up the flat brick walls of my old elementary school.
As I was climbing, I thought, “Why the ef am I doing this? This is not safe.”
All of a sudden, another girl was climbing with me. Then she said, “Don’t worry, we have a big net under us.” Then a net appeared.
Then some dude, who already scaled the building, looked down and gave us a thumbs up.
In my dream, I didn’t make it to the top, nor did I fall to the ground or onto the net. Instead, I woke up mid-wall, then immediately looked up what the bleep that was all about.
Here are some of the notable things I found on dream-meaning.net.
(Full disclosure: This isn’t like, a legitimate, science-based website. But it was the first link on Google and it had some interesting connections, so I’m going with it. I also don’t know anything about the science linking our dreams to our reality, but I definitely think there’s something there.)
“Bricks in dreams represent individual ideas, thoughts, or plans that will make up your future.”
“To see your home or a building completely made up of brick indicates that you are putting up barriers to prevent yourself from getting hurt.”
“To climb a brick wall in the dream, indicates that you need to have power, might, and faith to cope with negativity and difficulties. You will need to overcome people’s issues in order to get to the top.”
Reading these interpretations that morning, I was shook. This random dream was so in line with what I was/am going through.
My awake dream
In order for you to understand the significance of the dreams I have while I’m asleep, I’m going to have to tell you about the dreams I have while I’m awake.
(Know that writing this outside the safety of my private documents in my password-blocked computer for people other than me and my therapist to see is extremely uncomfortable.)
My life dream is to be a full-time blogger and podcaster. I would love for that to be my source of income so that I wouldn’t need to have a regular job.
(Omg, this feels so embarrassing to say!)
In this dream life, I would travel a lot and live part time in Toronto and part time somewhere else by the ocean, maybe Hawaii. I would wake up in the morning and surf and longboard—probably longboard to the waves while holding my surfboard under my arm. Then I would work on my blog and podcast, which I would use to tell my story and other people’s stories.
Through these conversations, people would be encouraged to prioritize their mental health and to not be ashamed about doing so, they’d learn important life lessons, they’d feel that they have people whom they relate to, and they’d become more empathetic toward people whom they wouldn’t otherwise hang out with. Bish be trying to promote kindness, empathy, and positivity.
You know…
I love…
Gary Vee.
There it is. Those are the dreams that I have while I’m awake!
Why these dreams are so hard to admit
There are two big reasons why it’s so difficult for me share this blog post.
The first is that I worry about people making fun of me, judging my goals, watching me start small, and seeing me fail.
I’ve written about my fear of other people’s opinions before, and clearly, I need to continue working on this issue.
The second thing, which makes not only sharing this hard but also makes doing actual work toward my dreams difficult, is: I don’t actually believe that I can do it.
As discovered in therapy with my girl Danielle, I have so much self-doubt, and it acts like a frickin’ brick barrier that stands in the way of the lofty things that I want for my life.
Every time I go to do any work on my blog or podcast, I waste hours hanging mid-wall thinking of all the reasons why I should stop climbing.
“I have like 12 followers. Nobody’s actually going to read this.”
“There are enough blogs and podcasts in the world; we don’t need any more.”
“The people who ‘made it’ had special DNA or different circumstances or family connections. They’re not normal, like me.”
“Who do I think I am, aspiring to achieve big, audacious goals?”
“These dreams are not actually possible. I’m being unrealistic. I’m not actually going to succeed.”
“I should just stop trying.”
I think in the back of my mind, I believed at some point, not that I would give in to these thoughts, but somehow my head would get out of the clouds and I would want to have a more standard life.
But, here I am at 27, still having the same maximize-your-potential goals that I had as a kid, still wanting my own unique path, still shuddering at the idea of settling, still dreaming every single day.
It’s safe to say my head’s not changing, and instead of overthinking, procrastinating, and worrying, I need to address my self-doubt head on.
How I’m working on my self-doubt
Here is a working list of the things I’m doing to climb this damn brick wall of self-doubt so I can get to the roof, a.k.a. achieve my dreams.
1. Getting self-aware
In order to combat our problems, we need to recognize that we have them in the first place, then we need to understand where they’ve come from so we can address the source, rather than just the symptoms.
I can remember the first time I expressed my dreamer mindset. I was five, and after falling in love with Céline Dion while watching Titanic—which is a completely inappropriate movie for a child, #FrenchGirls—I decided I was going to be a singer.
I grabbed my mom to show her my skills, and I excitedly sang My Heart Will Go On into the central air duct—it added vibrato to my voice. I was convinced that she would think I was amazing and that she would support me on my quest to become the next Céline.
You can imagine my surprise and disappointment when her response was, “You can’t become a famous singer. They are one in a million. You should become a doctor.”
Now, before anyone goes hating on my mom, know that her goal wasn’t to shit on my dreams; she just wanted me to be safe. And it’s because of her and my dad that if I were to fall while climbing on up, the safety net of a strong support system, their home, and my education would be there to catch me.
But from this instance and from the many times I’ve heard similar messages, I’ve unknowingly created this self-doubt narrative where I believe that my dreams are not actually possible and that I should tone it down. I tell myself that my ambition is too dangerous and that I should aspire for something easier.
However, for whatever reason, I’ve always been drawn to the things that encourage me to shoot for the stars.
Since elementary school, I’ve surrounded myself with motivational quotes, self-help books that have told me I can achieve my goals, T.V. shows where the characters are trying to live their dreams. And now, as you know, all I consume is motivating content from successful business people like Gary Vee, Jay Shetty, and Rachel Hollis.
Anyone else remember the show The Buried Life? It was my favourite show. Four Canadian guys made a list of things they want to do before they die, and the show is about them going for it. Here’s me with two of the guys when they came to visit Western. I bravely/thirstily/creepily said that before I die, I’d like to kiss them all. They accepted. I’ll have to meet the other two boys to cross that off my bucket list!
This is my favourite Arthur episode. D.W. and Binky think they’re going to die because they ate green potato chips, so then they do some Tim McGraw shit and live like they’re dying. D.W. shows her appreciation for Arthur, Binky becomes a ballerina. Watch it and you will be inspired.
It’s been a push-pull between what I’m drawn to and this self-doubt voice that’s been ingrained in my head. Having the self-awareness to realize this—as well as the willingness to continue learning about myself—allows me to create a tailor-made plan to better attack my pesky self-doubt.
2. Creating a good community
Now that I know my self-doubt is largely rooted in the messages I heard growing up, I can communicate to those sources and, if possible, I can get them to be on my side.
Maria now (cautiously) tells me that I can do whatever I want to do. She’s also now a gym goer. Yay!
I can also limit my time with the people who reinforce the self-doubting thoughts, and I can get closer with people who relate and who build my confidence.
For my next podcast episode, I’m interviewing Oseko, a local musician and another small-town dreamer. I feel like people like him, my therapist, and supportive friends are like the random encouraging girl in my wall-climbing dream.
Fewer wall builders and more fellow climbers/encouragers!
3. Practicing positive self-talk
Have you ever paid attention to the things that you say to yourself and think, “I would have zero friends if I talked to people like this. Like, literally, no one would want to be around me ever”?
When I notice that I’m putting myself down in my head, I am now trying to flip the script and talk to myself the way I would talk to a friend.
When I do this, my self-talk, in comparison to the shitty doubts I listed before, becomes:
“You actually have been reaching a lot of people. And even if no one reads or listens to your work, remember that you enjoy making it.”
“Sure, there’s a lot of content out there, but positivity needs to be made louder. There are like 8 billion people in the world, so there are a lot of potential listeners. Our world has abundant opportunities, ma!”
“There is no special blogger/podcaster DNA, challenges make for great stories, and you’re good enough that you don’t need nepotism. Plus, I don’t know any other 27-year-old Filipino-Canadians with your perspective and message who also aspire to surf, longboard dance, blog, and podcast. You are unique.”
“Sure, you’re audacious, but so was everyone else who did something different or great.”
“If you work super hard, enjoy the climb, and have a lot of patience, you can get to where you want to go.”
“Keep trying, bitch!”
Another self-talk practice that my therapist, Danielle, suggested is to tell myself the things that young Lels needed to hear growing up, rather than repeating the old messages that started my self-doubt.
I can say things like, “Yes, Kaitlin, your air conditioner rendition of My Heart Will Go On was amazing!”
All jokes aside, that is a good idea, and positive self-talk is one of the most essential practices I need to develop in order to combat my self-doubt. I definitely don’t have it down pat yet, but I am actively working on it every day!
4. Producing more
While thinking about posting on Learn With Lels can lead me down the road of anxious, self-doubting feelings, creating and sharing content actually helps me to feel more confident.
It sounds counterintuitive and I don’t really know why this is. Maybe because when I’m focusing on the making, I have less time for overthinking. Maybe because the more momentum I have, the easier everything becomes. Maybe because I actually enjoy the creating.
Whatever the reason, I know that the more work I put in, the more confident I become and the closer I get to my goals, so that’s what I gotta do!
5. Reminding myself of my why
When I feel myself heading into a self-doubt spiral, another thing I can do is remember the purpose of my goals.
I want to feel fulfilled, I want to share stories, I want to promote positivity, I want to encourage empathy. Focusing on this and the people who’ve told me that Learn With Lels has been helpful to them, rather than focusing on my doubts and how far I have to go, is a much better use of my brain power.
6. Consuming positive content
You can find anything you want on the internet nowadays. So, when the self-doubt is on high, a helpful thing to do is to look up people who’ve had the same negative feelings but have managed to work through them, get to the roof, and look down at you with a thumbs up.
Here are some of my favourite examples:
JLo is perfection, and to think that she ever felt self-doubt is mind-boggling, yet comforting.
Listen to every single lyric of this timeless classic. You got doubt, you got enjoying the process (‘cause it will be long and hard), you got climbing. Perfect for this post. Miley has always understood me.
From my girl Rachel Hollis.
From my dude Jay Shetty.
7. Ignoring what other people think
This is obviously 1000000 per cent easier said than done.
I’m not going to get into this one, as I’ve already written another blog post about it. But self-doubt and my fear of judgement are super closely linked together, so your girl needs to reread that post and keep working on that.
8. Thinking about death
If you’ve been following along with my blogging, you’ll know that I like to think about how rare and finite our lives are.
When I die, do I want to be looking back at my life and see that I didn’t go for what I wanted because I had too much self-doubt to try? Do I want to have regrets and wish that I did more? Do I want to waste this golden opportunity?
No!
So, I better get out of my own damn way and start climbing!
Our odds of becoming who we are. We’re all miracles!
💁🏻
Listen to Gary Vee if you’re sad or need some motivation.
On belay. Belay on. Climbing. Climb away. (Lol, I’m so dumb. Wait, no I’m not. I’m funny. #selftalk)
What I’ve learned/some realizations:
Your girl is blocked by a brick wall of self-doubt.
While your parents may have contributed to this mindset, you can’t hate because they also helped to build the net that will catch you if you fall.
Limit your time with the wall builders, and spend more time getting to know other climbers and supporters.
Turn to the people on the roof for reassurance that even though it’s hard, you can achieve your dreams.
Get self-aware, create a good community, practice positive self-talk, produce more, remind yourself of your why, consume positive content, ignore what other people think, and think about death.