Why I took a dating break
While everyone else my age is moving in, getting engaged, and poppin’ out babies
Me with all the guys I’m seeing. (I’m alone.)
When it comes to dating, I am doing the opposite of what every other person in their late twenties seems to be doing.
While everyone else is moving in with their partners, getting engaged, or poppin’ out babies, I—intentionally—have not been dating at all. Like, I haven’t gone on a date in over a year!
Let me give you some context. (If you read my last blog post, you know that I think context is everything.)
My late-blooming ass started dating when I was 24.
As dating is, it was a lot of fun tinkering on dating apps, texting boys, going on dates, and occasionally getting into relationships.
For about two years, I would say that I was, not obsessed, but like, one notch under obsessed when it came to dating.
If this post resonates with you, then you’ll love my podcast episode with Nancy Ruth Deen, a professional breakup coach. Check that episode out here: www.learnwithlels.com/podcast/2020/nancy.
I felt that I needed to have someone always texting me, as, during my mundane day-to-day, it gave me happiness and excitement to see my phone light up and know that someone was thinking about me.
I felt that I needed to have a weekly date with a guy, as it gave me something to look forward to during my unhappy work week.
I felt that I needed a new guy immediately after one relationship ended in order to fix my sadness, to shove it in the last guy’s face, and to validate my worth.
Ew, see my emphasis on need? I didn’t just want guys’ attention, I needed it! I needed boys for happiness, excitement, distraction, self-esteem, and validation.
If you give someone other than yourself the power to be the source of all this goodness in your life, then you are also giving someone other than yourself the power to take all this goodness out of your life. And that’s a problem, hon.
I knew I had this problem at the end of my two-year bout of being “boy crazy” (as my mom calls it).
So, early into age 26 when the last relationship ended, I didn’t hop back on the dating apps.
I, instead, vowed to take a break from dating to work on myself and to make sure that my goodness was not coming from boys, but from me.
At first, it was hard. When you take away the main thing that makes you feel good about yourself, it’s easy to be left feeling like shit.
But, I knew that shitty feeling was necessary to experience if I wanted to shift my source of happiness and self-esteem from outside forces to inside ones, essentially giving myself the power to be a more secure and complete person on my own.
In the media, the single girl is always portrayed as bitter and unhappy (ughs, that needs to change), and for me, maybe that was the case at first. But now, I can tell you that is not even remotely the situation at all.
This past year of being on my own has been one of the most pivotal in my life. It’s been a time where I have made significant career moves and decisions, worked on personal projects and hobbies, travelled (even by myself), focused on my mental health through therapy and beyond, and have made life plans that, for the first time ever, I am so, so excited about.
Now, I don’t attribute all of these positive changes to my singleness. But, I do think that shifting my focus from being on boys to being on myself has been a huge contributor to the positive impact of this monumental year in my life.
So, to put it all together, let me break down three of the key things I’ve been doing during this year of intentional singleness that I know will set me up for a brighter and more fulfilling future.
1. Instead of getting excited about boys’ attention, I’ve been getting excited about the things I’m doing
I’ll preface this point by saying that I think it’s totally fine and normal to get excited when someone you’re interested in sends you a message or makes plans to hang out. But, I also don’t think that another person should be your only source of excitement.
Longboarding when you’re boy crazy versus longboarding when you’re focused on yourself. 😂
During my “boy crazy” time, hanging out with dudes was the top thing that I looked forward to on a regular basis.
I did have occasional vacations and random events with friends and family that, of course, I always enjoyed. But, personally, I want to look forward to more than just weekends and my two weeks of vacation time. I want to have something that excites me on a daily basis.
So, during this single year, I’ve made a point of pursuing personal things that I look forward to every day.
I started a podcast. I’ve worked more on this blog. I got a lot better at snowboarding. I’m always longboarding and have been improving a ton.
I’ve found fulfilling and secure things to enjoy and get excited about every single day, and no person other than myself has the power to take these things away from me.
2. Instead of using boys to distract me from my unhappiness, I’ve been addressing the areas where I feel dissatisfied
As I mentioned before, during my “boy crazy” time, dating helped to distract me from my unhappy Monday to Friday.
Without this distraction during my dating hiatus, though, it became very apparent to me just how unhappy I was at work. And so, rather than trying to divert my attention away from this issue, I took time to figure out how to actually address it.
I knew my work contract was coming to an end, and rather than defaulting in to taking another job, I planned a work break. And during this work break, I’ve been able to come up with an intentional career vision that’s based on what I think will make me feel happy and fulfilled, rather than a mindless career path that’s based on what society says I should be doing at my age.
Right now, I feel super hopeful and excited about what’s coming next work-wise, and I don’t think I would have sought that had I continued to distract my career unhappiness with the insecure happiness that comes from talking to a cute guy.
3. Instead of counting on boys to boost my self-esteem, I’ve been learning to validate myself and boost my own self-esteem
My girl Kehlani singing about everything I’m talking about rn.
It’s hard to go through a breakup. For me, as I mentioned, anytime I went through one, I needed to get over that suckyness by finding someone new to prove to myself and to the former flame that I am still worthy of care and attention.
If you consistently need someone else to prove something to you, though, do you really believe it yourself? If you need someone else to boost your self-esteem, do you actually have self-esteem?
The only person you are guaranteed to be with forever is yourself. So, it’s important that you’re able to like and validate yourself.
By focusing on the first two points on this list, going to therapy, and overall just putting my time and effort in to bettering me, I’ve been learning how to make my confidence and worth come from within—not from a boy, or from anyone else, for that matter.
Here’s something that basically sums this whole post up (I saw it on Pinterest, so don’t credit me haha): Rather than focusing on being with someone who makes you happy, focus on being someone who makes you happy.
We’re always encouraged to find a partner and to devote our lives to working on that relationship. But we often fail to recognize that our longest and most important relationship will be with ourselves.
So, before anything, I think it’s so important that we learn to make ourselves happy first. You don’t have to spend a year avoiding boys to do that, but from my experience, a break from outside relationships to focus on your most important, internal one can really be beneficial.
What I’ve learned/some realizations:
Being someone who makes you happy is more important than finding someone who makes you happy.
We should really switch the narrative that we tell kids about finding our partners. Like, more Moana, less Cinderella, ya feel?
Your longest and most important relationship is the one with yourself—so you better treat it accordingly!