I’m leaving our like-obsessed culture
And moving to my bubble of bliss
Surfing while literally frozen requires bubble-of-bliss thinking.
📷: Sarah Rabena
Lately, I’ve really been aware of the toxic space that I’ve been living in. And so, I’m running away.
No, I’m not talking about my literal home—this house is quite nice and I get along well with my roommates (Mom and Dad).
The toxic living space that I’m referring to is our like-obsessed, external validation-hungry world that, chances are, you live in too.
Let me tell you what’s got me thinking about this.
As you obviously know, since you’re here, I have a blog called Learn With Lels. And I started this blog because I love to write. I went to school for journalism for this reason, but in the jobs I worked after graduating, I found that I wasn’t really able to write using my own voice—I had to adjust to fit whatever organization I was working for.
So, I started this blog so that I could speak completely as myself. Talk about whatever was on my mind, organize whatever was in my head, and shape it in a way that makes for a nice read.
Starting this was not only enjoyable, but it was also super helpful for me. I began therapy around the same time, and writing about what I was going through and what lessons I was learning really helped me to have a better understanding of myself and the things Danielle (my therapist) and I were talking about.
While I loved writing my blogs, I felt so narcissistic asking people to take the time to read about my life. Plus, I’m just a kid in her 20s, so what the shit do I know? I figured it’d be better to talk with other people about their lives and the lessons they’ve been learning. And that’s how the Learn With Lels podcast was born.
Honestly, I love doing all of this. I have a creative outlet that I really care about, that allows me to fully be myself, that helps me, that I enjoy working on, and that lets me learn and highlight people and topics that I think need to be highlighted.
Plus, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me when someone tells me that they relate to what I’m saying or that I encouraged them to go to therapy or that one of my guests made them think a little differently. (Though, more on this later.)
God I love my boyfriend Harry Styles.
Now, maybe you’re thinking, “It sounds like you’re really happy doing what you’re doing, Kaitlin. So, what’s the problem?”
Well, I’ll tell ya.
The problem, as I mentioned at the start, is my (and our world’s) obsession with external validation.
Our culture cares so much about how many likes and followers we have. And when approval from the outside is what you’re seeking, it can really mess with your self-esteem.
On one hand, if you post something and nobody likes it, it’s easy to feel lesser than.
This is a mind space I’ve spent so much time in.
“WTF. Mom’s the only person who liked this post. Should I take it down?”
“I have so few followers. That must mean I’m no good.”
“My quote videos, which I think are so powerful, get so few likes. Should I instead just post more pics of me looking cute with my longboard?”
Ughs, the time I’ve wasted avoiding Learn With Lels—something that brings me joy—because I’ve been worried that people will judge me and think I’m a loser.
On the other hand, if you post something and everybody likes it, it’s easy to feel better than.
Nature and nurture encourage us to seek positive reinforcement. To an extent, this is healthy. But, I feel like our culture has taken things to an unhealthy level.
Follower growth hacks (I always get scammers messaging me about this); dwelling on what picture will get the most likes; and even creating facades, like overplaying how good your life is because you know it will get that double tap, are all commonplace now.
I feel like this is such a well-known message that famous people always say and prove, but for whatever reason, so many of us continue to dream of popularity and excessive bank accounts.
And when you get a lot of that validation, if you let it, it can lead to an inflated ego, negatively impact your relationships, and even encourage you to post and behave in a way that isn’t true to who you are.
I haven’t spent much time in this space (at least, I don’t think I have) since, as I mentioned before, sometimes my mom is the only person who likes what I share.
For me, the former is my current problem. But since it’s all interconnected, should Learn With Lels randomly happen to get popular, I’d be a good candidate to be part of the latter group. Hating the boos and loving the cheers (as my dude Gary Vee says) are reactions that are part of the exact same insecurity family.
When we conflate likes and subscribers with our worth, it leaves us insecure and fragile because who we are is dependent on other people’s opinions.
I feel like this doesn’t just apply to our vanity numbers.
I mentioned before that every time someone has reached out to give me a heartfelt message about how they like what I’m doing, I’ve allowed it to feed my ego.
I helped someone finally commit to therapy.
I wrote that post that made someone feel better.
I opened someone’s mind up.
And while I’m happy to have played some role in helping anyone, for me to let that get to my head would not only make me an annoying person, but it would also be unfair. What I share and how I share it can be attributed not only to me, but to all the people who’ve influenced me.
You like my content? Thank my parents, my therapist, Gary Vee, Jay Shetty, Oprah, etc. etc. etc.
You like my writing? Thank my Western University profs, rom com writers, my favourite authors, etc. etc. etc.
I guess what I’m trying to say by all of this is that it’s a mistake to let any external validation impact our actions and sense of worth. Our value, happiness, and behaviour should come from a pure place within ourselves.
And that brings me back to my bubble of bliss.
When I think of the times I’ve been truly happy (not to be confused with the fragile happiness that’s come with my ego being fed externally), my full attention was on doing things I enjoy and being with people whom I care about.
And that’s the space I want to live in.
I don’t know why, but it helps me to think of this space as a bubble. Like, I literally picture myself walking, happy as can be, doing me, in this huge soapy bubble that radiates goodness. And I picture stupid shit like likes, followers, and any other external crap just bouncing off.
Since I’ve been trying to imagine and embody this bubble of bliss, I’ve been feeling a lot better.
As far as my blog and podcast, my actions have been based on why I started. I’ve been posting more quote videos, sharing other people’s wisdom, and focusing on the joy I get from creating something meaningful to me.
I don’t think we all need to imagine living in bubbles (lol, I know it’s a weird idea, but it’s working for me rn).
But, I do think we’d all benefit if our drive came from within rather than from outside; if we could nurture our souls rather than feed our egos; if we could do things because we love them, not because we hope other people will love us.
I know this is easier said than done, especially when we all have our phones on us 24/7. But, I’ve witnessed enough to know that the effort it will take to move mind spaces will ultimately be worth it.
So, goodbye, like-obsessed culture. Hello, Lels’ bubble of bliss.
A goodie from Jim Kwik.
From my dude Gary Vee.
From Jay Shetty’s Insta.
Some messages for when my hippy bubble of bliss vision isn’t working for me:
If nobody likes your post, so what? You don’t need other people’s approval to be valid.
If everyone likes your post, so what? That’s a dangerous place to get your sense of worth.
If you don’t do things because you fear people’s judgement, you’re going to die with regret.
If you do things because you’re seeking people’s approval, you’re going to die with regret.
If you’re being yourself, spreading positivity, and doing things that make you happy, then you’re successful, Lels!