The counter-intuitive thing that’s making me more productive
A post about kindness, not productivity
A little Colgate facial to kick things off.
Every day I pretend I’m on the YouTube show Go To Bed With Me.
What I do is I go through each step of my skincare routine, and I (silently, because I live with people) explain to the camera (aka the mirror) what products I’m using and what they do. Just like the guests on the show, I read the bottle to the (fake) audience, I show the camera (mirror) what the product looks like in case viewers want to try it, and, in my pyjamas and with a towel on my head, I do each step and mouth my side commentary.
This is the show. This is Dr. Pimple Popper’s episode. Her cat’s name is Dim Sum, lolzz.
“This ointment is the most important part of my routine,” I explain. Then I read the bottle and show it to the mirror. “I can’t say that it works at all, but it gives me peace of mind knowing that I’m trying.”
I do this for all of my steps—there are many because I’m at the age where I’m trying to get rid of acne and also prevent wrinkles.
OK, so why the shit am I telling you this private and weird practice and what does it have to do with anything?
Well, I’m telling you because it’s part of what I’m doing to be kinder to myself.
For my whole life, I’ve been running around stressed and frustrated, always dissatisfied with the work I’m putting in and always thinking about what activity I should be doing next.
My agenda is, and always has been, packed. And, to be honest, I largely like this about myself. I like that I have a big community who wants to make plans with me, that I try the things that interest me, and that I work toward my goals.
But, over the past little while, I’ve really been noticing that my feelings about myself flip flop a ton.
Some days, I’m breezy and happy and content with everything I do. I apply for a bunch of jobs, I post on my blog’s social media, I do a good workout, I go longboarding, I FaceTime my friends, I cuddle my nephew, and I end the day feeling guilt-free about topping things off with an episode of 90 Day Fiancé.
Other (most) days, I’m so annoyed at myself. I still work on all the things mentioned above, but rather than happily doing them, I resent said things and get pissed at myself. I’m frustrated that I haven’t applied for more jobs, that I haven’t posted enough on my Learn With Lels social media accounts, that I didn’t work out hard enough, that I still can’t land a shove it on my board. I feel guilty for talking to my friends on the phone and for playing with my nephew. I do everything with a cloud over my head because I’m upset that I’m not productive enough and I’m anxious about needing to move on to what’s next on the list.
Often on these days, the pressure makes me crack. Then, I find myself spending hours avoiding things that are important to me to mindlessly waste time on things that I don’t care about, like scrolling through Instagram, taking countless Buzzfeed tests, eating all the chips, or looking up the birthdays and hometowns of the whole Never Have I Ever cast. (Paxton is 29 and Devi is from Mississauga, by the way.)
I got Ben Gross, but I’ma keep doing it until I get Paxton. https://www.buzzfeed.com/unstablecake/which-never-have-i-ever-guy-do-you-belong-with-55nbizzlgt
It’s interesting and ironic.
On the days when I’m kind and telling myself I’m doing great, I end up being more productive. On the days when I’m a bitch and telling myself I need to do more, I end up being less productive.
As well, and much more important than productivity, on the kind days, my mental health is wonderful, and on the bitch days, my mental health ain’t so hot.
I’ve been talking about this with my therapist, Danielle, who, in one of our sessions, asked me a great question that really simplified things: “Are you more motivated by a mean boss who tells you that you suck or by a kind boss who tells you that you’re doing great?”
Of course, the answer is the latter.
In theory, it’s so simple: kindness is the way to go. Being kind to myself will not only help me to accomplish more, but it will make me a healthier and happier person.
Unfortunately, in practice, it’s hard.
I default to being mean partially because it’s what I’m used to, partially because that’s how I was raised considering our culture really puts checking boxes on a pedestal (happiness and fulfillment need to replace that mindset), and partially because I worry that if I loosen up, I’ll turn into a lazy ass whose goals will go out the window.
In response to that last point, Danielle reminded me of a study of women who wanted to lose weight.
Half of the women (the mean-to-self group) in the experiment only owned “goal” pants. They were not accepting of where they were at and were so focused on where they wanted to be, that they didn’t even own pants that fit. The other half of the women (the kind-to-self group) were accepting of where they were in their weight-loss journey and owned regular-sized pants.
And you know who achieved their goals? Not the mean girls, but the nice ones!
I used to have a binge eating problem, and there are so many parallels between that time and what I’m talking about right now. To read that story, check it out here: https://www.learnwithlels.com/blog/2019/perfection.
My dude Gary Vee. He’s always talking about holding yourself accountable, but also not judging yourself. https://www.garyvaynerchuk.com/be-accountable-but-dont-judge-yourself/
So, with the pants experiment reminding me that being kind to myself will not turn me into a lazy chump, the boss analogy reminding me that kind bosses lead to motivated workers, and with my own personal proof that kindness makes me feel all-around better, I’ve realized that I must learn to be kinder to myself.
Full disclosure: I don’t have it figured out yet. As I’m writing this, I’m getting frustrated with myself because I’m thinking about how I’m such a slow writer and should’ve had this done earlier, and I’m worried about what else I need to get done today. I’m a work in progress, but here are some of the reminders and practical exercises that have been helping me so far.
Reminders:
Good self-talk is everything
If one of my girlfriends spent her time the way I do, I would say, “Girl, way to go! That pimple’s not that bad. You’re doing great. I love that you’re going after your goals and learning unique things that are important to you.”
But, since I am talking to myself, my internal dialogue says, “You should be doing more. Holy, zit city. Hurry up, you have other things to do. Why haven’t you accomplished this yet?”
When I remember to, I try hard to talk to myself in the kind way that I would talk to one of my girls, and it 100 per cent leads to a better mood.
You are a human
I often forget to talk to myself like a friend, and sometimes, when I catch myself going back to my old mean ways, I get pissed at myself for being mean to myself. And then I get pissed at myself for getting pissed at myself, and it becomes a silly little loop.
I was telling Danielle this, and she reminded me (I guess I forgot) that I am human.
As a human, you will have positive and negative feelings. As a human, change (even nice change like being kind to yourself) isn’t easy. As a human, you will have good days and you will have bad.
Instead of trying to make everything perfectly positive, it’s important to remember that life is meant to have ups and downs and all kinds of emotions. So, rather than faulting yourself for it, it’s best that you try to keep things up, then accept the downs because that’s just an unavoidable side effect of life.
Patience is so important
I know that one of the main reasons why I am so hard on myself is because I want to achieve my goals, and I want to achieve them now.
But, it’s important to remember that nothing worthwhile will happen overnight.
Becoming a majestic longboarder will take time. Building my blog and podcast will take time. Learning to be kind to myself will take time.
Despite what diet ads or cryptocurrency salespeople might say, there is no such thing as an overnight success. Everything good will take time, and remembering that I’m playing a realistic long game rather than an unrealistic short one helps to ease the pressure.
Exercises:
Begin the day present and with intention
Being present is one of the best things that you can do to stop feeling anxious about what’s to come. And when you’re not anxious about the future, you’re not getting mad at yourself for not being further along.
In other words, being present helps you to be kind to yourself.
For me, though, saying I’m going to be present isn’t enough; I need actual exercises.
I have two alarms that go off in the morning. The first goes at 8:15 a.m. and is labelled “Present and intention.” Between that time and when the second alarm goes off at 8:30 a.m., I point out three things that I see, hear, smell, taste, and feel in that moment. That helps me to begin my day being totally present; therefore, not starting off stressed about what I have to do.
Then, I set an intention for the next 24 hours that has nothing to do with my to-do list, and everything to do with the vibe I want to give off that day. It could be happy or grateful or energetic or positive. Right now, of course, my intention is kind.
If I happen to fall asleep during those 15 minutes, I remind myself that it’s OK because I’m a damn human.
End the day with gratitude
At 11 p.m., I have another alarm that tells me to list three things from that day that I am grateful for.
Often, the things I list at night are the same things I felt guilty about during the day because they’re not traditionally seen as productive: a long conversation with a friend, a group Zoom call, or a snuggle session with my nephew.
Seeing the overlap of guilt and gratitude has helped me to realize that I shouldn’t feel bad about these things because they are what I love and value most.
With this nightly gratitude, the stress I have throughout the day that tells me I should be doing something else is slowly beginning to dissipate.
Do the daily self-esteem challenge
Danielle gave me an assignment where every day, I have to respond to a prompt that is meant to build my confidence. Things like, “List 10 things that you like about yourself” or “What are five things you’re good at?”
It seems kind of elementary schoolish, but when you write down positive things about yourself, the mean voice takes a pause and the kind one takes over.
Be present while longboarding (or whatever else you already do)
As I mentioned, I’ve been trying to bookend my day with kindness-related practices and I’ve also added the daily self-esteem challenge. Since your girl’s not trying to overwhelm herself by having more things to do, Danielle suggested that I take something that’s already part of my routine and try to be more present while doing it.
Now when I’m longboarding, as per my therapist’s orders, I do my best to focus on my senses and what I’m experiencing. So, how the wind feels on my face, what the wheels sound like on the pavement, what the Oshawa air smells like in my nose.
It sounds fluffy and weird, but focusing on those sensations definitely makes for a better time than when my head is filled with criticism about the tricks I can’t do.
Of course, if longboarding isn’t your thing, this can be done with anything, like exercising, cooking, or washing your face.
Pretend to be on the Go To Bed With Me show
And that brings me back to the beginning of this post.
My skincare routine is one other activity that I’m trying to incorporate into my kindness exercises.
In reframing this part of my day from a chore into my self-care show, my mean self-talk takes a pause so that I can make jokes with my imaginary audience, and the time shifts from something I’m rushing to get through to something I enjoy.
I know, it’s kind of weird, but if it helps me to be kinder and happier, then so be it.
There you have it, y’all. I hope none of you are as mean to yourselves as I am to me, but if you are, know that you’re not alone and I hope that these reminders and exercises help.
Believe it or not, I’m gonna go wash my face now. Thanks for reading this big ol’ post. Bye. Time for my show.
Summary:
Good self-talk is everything;
You are a human;
Patience is so important;
Begin the day present and with intention;
End the day with gratitude;
Do the daily self-esteem challenge;
Be present while longboarding (or whatever else you already do); and
Pretend to be on the Go To Bed With Me show.