Why I’ve never had a boyfriend
The real reason will probably surprise you.
No boys, but lotsa beautiful queens. Guys may come and go, but these chix are lifers.
I have finally realized why, at age 26, I have never had a real boyfriend.
Over the years, people have told me that the reason is I’m just too picky, and I have unrealistic expectations of the person I should end up with. I used to buy into that, but that’s not it.
Another thing that I considered was that I’ve been too confused with what I want for a career, so I thought that I needed to focus on that before getting too serious with someone. People can build their careers while in relationships, so that’s not the problem either.
One other suggested reason is that I’ve been so concerned about what my family and friends will think about the guy, so I purposely don’t get serious enough for my loved ones to get to know him. That’s closer to the reason, but not quite it.
There probably are elements of truth in each of those ideas, but the main thing is: I wasn’t really living my own life.
That may seem like kind of a weird reason to have never been in an official relationship, and a weird thing to realize in and of itself, but I believe this is what’s been holding me back.
Let me explain.
I’ve been in three to four pre-official relationships, which lasted a few months each. In all of those situations I put in time and effort, but if I was being honest with myself, I couldn’t truly see a future. Not because there was something wrong with the guys, but, I felt like there was something off about me.
On the surface I was never able to articulate it, but inside I always knew there was something that I needed to fix in myself before being able to successfully commit to someone else.
In seeing a therapist, I learned that what I needed to fix was that for my whole life, I was giving my power to everyone around me, and leaving none left for myself.
With every decision that I made, from what career I should do, to whether or not I should dye my hair, to what shirt I should wear, I would ask other people for their opinions.
A good chapter from my girl Rachel Hollis. When I was away at school, I called my mom multiple times every single day. I thought it was because we had a good relationship—we do—but in hindsight, I realize I called so much because I was always unknowingly asking for her permission for everything.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t seek support from your loved ones. But for me, I was going beyond that. I wouldn’t just ask people for their opinions, I would do what they said, even if it conflicted with my own thoughts; I valued other people’s opinions so much over my own that I didn’t even know what I truly wanted (hence the indecisiveness you may have noticed in me).
Maybe I was like this to avoid conflict, or to be liked, or to avoid being disliked… I’m not completely certain on that. But what I do know is that I was an unsure, people-pleasing, anxiety-ridden compilation of all these outside opinions, and it made me feel like an incomplete person. And I’ve always believed that when it comes to relationships, you can’t be looking for someone else to complete you; you need to be a whole person first. In having that belief, I could never get truly invested in the boys I dated.
I acknowledge that this level of people pleasing sounds kind of weak, but it does take strength to make a point of recognizing that you have something to work on, to seek help to understand what that is, and to commit to improve moving forward—it’s something that literally every one of us should do. Doing this self-awareness and self-improvement work helps enhance not only your relationship with yourself, but it helps you to have better relationships with the people around you, and with potential significant others, too.
Charlamagne on mental health. Sooo good.
I was listening to Jay Shetty’s podcast recently where he interviewed Charlamagne Tha God—my new celebrity crush. In their conversation, Charlamagne, who’s been doing a lot of mental health work, compared our minds to closets. He said that as the years go by, our closets collect more and more stuff and get messier and messier. And unless we want to have a big mess where we can’t find anything we need because our old shit keeps getting in the way, then we need to take the time to go into our closets, reorganize the stuff that we want to keep, and throw out the stuff that’s no longer serving us. And once we do that, we’ll feel more organized and better able to take on what lies ahead.
When things ended with the last guy I was seeing back in February, it was tempting to just jump back on Bumble and find a new guy who could help distract me from both the sadness of a breakup and the junk inside my closet. But I knew that by adding more stuff before cleaning out what was already there would just lead to more mess later on.
I see this happen a lot in the people around me; rather than putting in effort to understand and love themselves more, they focus their attention on a new love interest. Not to say that you can’t build a relationship while improving yourself—you can. And I’m not saying that you should be perfect before you’re open to a relationship—you will be single forever if that’s your mindset. But what I think the best thing to do is to first establish yourself as a whole, and then be open to a partner—rather than being incomplete and looking to find your other half.
Gary Vee, one of the very few older men whom I crush on.
After my last “breakup,” I told myself that I wouldn’t seek out any boys until June 1. During that time and with the help of Danielle—my therapist and bestie (don’t tell her I call her that, it’s probably not appropriate)—I worked on finally figuring out me, finding my own voice, and fixing what I felt was off before.
Now it’s mid to late June, weeks after June 1, and I’ve continued to stay away from the dating world as I’ve felt that there’s more work to be done. With that said, I do feel like I’m definitely getting the self-awareness that I need to do better in a relationship, and also just in life in general.
But, as I said before, if I wait until I feel like I’m perfect before I start dating again, I will die alone. So, I’ll probably pop back on the apps soon. Or maybe I’ll start by trying to talk to the guy I’ve been creeping on at the gym for months—probably not though, I’m too scared (therapy doesn’t cure you of everything!).
But whenever I do decide to get back on the scene, best believe I’ll be doing it because that’s what I want to do, and not because I’m listening to other people’s opinions.
What I’ve learned/some realizations:
Don’t look for your other half. Be whole on your own!
Everyone’s a work in progress, but you gotta fix yourself; you can’t put that work in the hands of a significant other.
I got a wedding invitation with a plus one during my dating timeout. I was in a very hyper mood and RSVP’d for myself and a guy named Mystery Man. Like, first name Mystery, last name Man. If you don’t believe me, please refer to the picture. And my back-up date now has a girlfriend, so that’s a problem… Note to self, step away from the computer when you are feeling too hyper.
