Five lessons to help you stop comparing

These are things I’ve learned from other people, because God knows I’m no expert on the subject.

Here's a video of me doing my one longboarding trick. Trying not to compare to other longboarders and to just be happy with my progress.

My friend Aliya asked me a very confusing question the other day. She asked, “How do you do it all?”

I had no idea what she was talking about. How the ef does it seem like I do it all? If anything, I think she does it all.

She’s a wife.
She’s a homeowner.
She’s a dog mom.
She’s an avid gardener.
She cooks her own dinners.

Meanwhile…

I am single.
I live at home.
I have a dog, but he’s my brother, so the responsibilities are much smaller.
I was recently gifted a succulent that I know I will kill.
My mom makes dinners most nights, and when she doesn’t, best believe I will be eating a Lean Cuisine.

So again, how the ef would anyone think that I do it all?

OK, I’m not a total loser. I do go to the gym regularly and have been trying to longboard and blog. These are the things Aliya was referring to when she said I “do it all.” But yeah, I don’t. lol.

The answer? Comparison.

When we see other people doing well at something, for some reason, it makes us look at ourselves and feel like we’re not enough.

Ariel’s looking fire in a bikini? Guess that means I’m fat and need to work out more.

Jasmine is travelling and seeing the world? Well damn, I’m so boring sitting in my cubicle at work.

Cinderella moved in with her hot, rich husband? Cool, I’m living at home and will never be able to afford to buy a shack, or even move out for that matter.

With social media, these feelings can be exacerbated. We’re constantly on our phones, looking at other people and seeing how well they’re doing, then getting down on ourselves for not keeping up—or rather, for feeling like we’re not keeping up.

We forget that people only post the good, and of course we’re going to feel bad when we’re comparing other people’s highlights to the situations we’re in when we’re scrolling—that random girl from high school’s life is gonna seem way cooler than yours when you’re comparing her vacay pics to you on the toilet at work, scrolling through Insta.

We also forget that our lives have highlights that we share, too. So, while we’re wishing to be like others, there are certainly people who are simultaneously wishing to be like us.

Have you checked your own IG pics recently? I’m sure you’d be able to see how a stranger would want to be like you. When I look at my social media, I can so see how it looks like I’m always travelling and am permanently happy… but I know that most of my time is spent answering emails at work, and that I was crying in my therapist’s office last week.

Regardless of whom we’re creeping and whose “perfect” lives we’re comparing ourselves to, guess what? Like you, they take shits, have pimples, get stressed out, and feel inadequate and insecure from time to time. They’re just not posting it.

While you’re feeling ugly looking at pictures of models and even other regular people on Instagram, remember that most of them are edited af. So why the hell are you comparing yourself to something that’s been heavily filtered and potentially even surgically altered?!

Ariel doesn’t broadcast that she’s reckless and barely cares about her family. Jasmine doesn’t share that she spends most of her time in her room with her cat. Cinderella doesn’t write about how her only friends are rodents and that her life straight up sucks without her man.

We’re all the same in that we all have ups and downs, so why are we acting like other people are better?

I feel like I’m sounding all noble and shit, but trust me, I know how easy it is to let your head slip into that comparison mode.

A couple weeks ago, I saw that an ex of mine posted a picture on Instagram with a new girl. And let me tell you, my mind went straight to playing this better-than, worse-than game: Is she prettier than me? Is she fitter than me? Does she have a better job than me? Is she cooler than me? Is she a better person than me? Etc. Etc. Etc.

Then I went on to think about how happy my ex must be now that he’s found someone “better,” which led to me just feeling low.

As I’ve been doing when I feel like my head is not in a good space, I’ve turned to my favourite speakers and entrepreneurs. Here are some of my main takeaways from their content that are helping me to stop comparing—present tense, because it’s an ongoing effort.

1. Other people’s actions have nothing to do with you.

Prior to seeing that my ex had moved on, I was living my life and generally feeling pretty good.

But, when I saw my ex had a new girl and I was spending my time comparing myself to them, of course, I felt like shit.

The thing is though, while my ex was with his new girl when I was sad and creeping their social medias, he also could’ve been with her while I was blissfully falling off my longboard, loving my life in Hawaii, partying with my friends, and just not thinking about him at all.

Either way, nothing in my life had changed, other than where I was putting my attention.

My man Gary Vee said it best: “Attaching your happiness or sadness to somebody else’s actions is the quickest way to lose.”

In attaching my mood to what my ex was doing when it does not impact my life anymore, resulted in me losing.

This doesn’t just have to do with our exes, but with everyone: your frenemy who has a rockin’ bod, that influencer with perfect skin and great style, our friends who seem to be doing it all.

While these people may be doing well, it doesn’t mean that you’re not. You’re not in bad shape because that girl is fit; you’re not pimply and have shitty clothes because someone on Instagram knows how to take a good picture; you’re not failing because your friends are succeeding; and of course, you’re not any less amazing because your ex is continuing to live his life.

Rather than allowing what other people are doing to impact how we feel, we need to recognize that what they’re doing doesn’t matter, and we need to zero in on what does: who we are and what we’re doing.

And while we’re on route to developing the power to be less impacted by people other than ourselves, if unfollowing our exes is what we need to do, then so be it.

2. Nobody’s life is as good as it seems, so quit making up stories in your head about how great everyone else is doing.

First, refer to the bits above about the Disney princesses and the IG creeping.

In the tiny chance that someone’s life is as good as it seems, remember the first lesson. And, also consider that if they seem to be doing it all, they’re defs getting help.

And now that we are reminded that nobody is perfect, we must also learn to control our over-active imaginations that tell us otherwise.

My man Gary Vee loves to talk about how he passed on investing in Uber, which turned out to mean a lost opportunity to make millions and millions of dollars. And while most people would dwell about the money missed and create made-up scenarios about how wonderful the actual investors are doing, he says he doesn’t think about it. If anything, he thinks about the bad things that could’ve happened should he have taken a path different than the one he chose.

When we create scenarios in our heads about how other people (our exes and their new gfs, mean girls from high school, strangers on social media) are happier and will have better futures than us, we’re seriously just wasting our time and unnecessarily bringing ourselves down!

For all we know, these people we’re building up could actually be miserable and could have terrible things in store for them. Either way, we don’t know, it doesn’t matter, and it makes zero sense for us to dwell about hypotheticals. That time is better spent making good, real shit happen for ourselves.

3. “Stop comparing your beginnings to other people’s middles.” —Rachel Hollis

For people like me who are trying to learn new skills, this is important.

People with more experience are going to be better than you, and that’s how it should be because they’ve already put in the work. Don’t let where they are dishearten you and keep you from starting, because, as I mentioned previously, what they’re doing doesn’t matter. And also, they were probably shit when they started, too.

(I remind myself of this advice whenever I watch any longboard dancer, because literally everyone I’ve seen has been better than me, haha.)

4. Don’t follow other people’s timelines.

This one is essential for my fellow 20-somethings. Especially the single 20-somethings. Especially the single 20-somethings who live at home and who feel uncertain about their careers.

The fact that your younger former classmate got engaged, or the fact that your Facebook is filled with couples buying houses together, or the fact that people your age are intentionally getting pregnant now, does not mean that you’re behind. You’ll get your chance when the time is right for you.

This video is the best. I did some illegal recording to get it on my blog, because I feel it’s that good and people should see it. And I’m 26, so I really get his story right now.

This is a very cheesy video, but it’s a good one.

When we rush to keep up with what other people are doing or with what we think is the right timing by society’s standards, we increase our chances of ending up in situations that are not right for us.

We’re all different, so why would we all be on the same timeline?

5. Focus on yourself.

This theme popped up in all of the above points and in all of the content that I came across, I think because it’s most important.

When we block outside people and just put our attention toward ourselves, then we’re not being weighed down by feelings of inadequacy because there’s no one to compare ourselves to.

Jay Shetty, one of my favourite guys (if Gary Vee is too intense for you, then defs check out Jay) said it well: “Often, we’re not unhappy because we’re actually unhappy; we’re unhappy because we think other people are happier than us.”

Focus on your cucumber, not on other people’s grapes.

I largely agree with this video. I’m not a huge fan of the last line, though. It’s good to note your progress, but I don’t think we should compare ourselves to our old selves—what if our circumstances were better in the past? I think just enjoying the now and aiming to be happy and kind is the key.

When I concentrate on where I am, what I’m doing, what I have to be grateful for, and my goals and what I’m doing to accomplish them, that’s when I feel happiest and most at peace. And when I’m in those states, that’s when I feel like I’m making the most positive progress in my life.

I won’t act like I’m a pro at focusing on myself, or at any of the points I’ve compiled for that matter. It takes time and effort to drop the bad habit of comparing. But through complimenting myself, unfollowing certain accounts, diving in on my hobbies, and making plans for my dream life, (all things related to what I’ve got going on) I have felt my mindset improving.

It may seem kind of foreign to purposely get a little bit selfish and to celebrate yourself. And know that I’m not saying to be a narcissist or to ignore any important people in your life. But what I am saying is that in a world that often tells us we have shortcomings by pointing to other people who seem to be doing it better, I think it’s necessary that we block some things out, ground ourselves in reality over fake pictures and hypothetical situations, and remind ourselves that we’re already pretty awesome.

What I’ve learned/some realizations:

You are great and what other people are doing does not make you any less great.
These messages may be obvious, but it’s good to intentionally point them out because getting rid of that default comparison mode isn’t easy; it takes a lot of work!
Supplementing content like this with actions like exercise, meditation, social media breaks etc., is essential.

Kaitlin JingcoJuly 31, 2019Comment