I’m following my gut, and it’s led me to unemployment

…and other fun adventures.

This pic is my life right now: Scared, but excited and having fun.

I did something kind of nutty: I turned down a job offer.

Not to mention, this job would’ve been full time with benefits (which I currently don’t have), it would’ve paid more than what I’m making now, and it sounded like the work and environment would’ve been pretty good.

Oh, and did I mention that I’m on a contract that ends next week?

Essentially, I turned down a good career opportunity and have committed to being jobless. So, sure, I can understand the head scratching I’ve been met with.

Right now you may be wondering, “So, why the heck did you do it?”

When I was making this decision, I had a long list of reasons why I should’ve taken the position (money, benefits, in my field and great for my resumé, seemed like pretty rewarding work, I wouldn’t have to explain to people why I’m jobless, etc.).

But, one thing stood out beyond everything else: I just had a gut feeling telling me that I shouldn’t take the job.

Throughout my life, I’ve been a rule follower.

I like to make sure that I’m doing what I think I’m supposed to be doing (by my family’s and general society’s standards), and I don’t typically have noticeable gut feelings telling me to do otherwise.

But for this case, the presumed right path and my gut were not in line.

So, as I do when it comes to decisions, even when I feel like I already know what to do, I asked for other people’s opinions.

I started off with my family.

My mom—acknowledging that I’ve been so dependent on her approval throughout my life and recognizing that I need to be more independent (something that we’ve both been working on)—told me to do what I thought was best. While that’s what she said, I know her hope was that I’d take the job and/or hunt for one that would pay even more.

As for my dad, I’m pretty sure he still doesn’t understand why I turned it down.

Then I went to my friends.

I explained my situation to my big group of girls, my old coworkers, and one of my colleagues at work, then asked them what I should do.

The overwhelming majority of responses was, “Do what you think is best for you. But I would take the job.”

Despite nearly 20 people politely encouraging me to take the position, I ended up turning it down. I just couldn’t ignore that gut feeling telling me that I shouldn’t take it, that I could be happier doing something else—though, I wasn’t clear what that something else was.

Choosing to put aside the opinions of other people, risk being judged for potentially doing the wrong thing, and deciding to follow my inklings, is not exactly my standard practice.

But, I’m learning that this is the process I need to be taking.

The day I knew I found the one.I love the shit out of my car, Pink Sweetie. When I decided that she was the car for me, people told me that I would regret getting such a bold colour. Would I want to be 30 and driving around a tiny pink car? My answe… — The day I knew I found the one.
I love the shit out of my car, Pink Sweetie. When I decided that she was the car for me, people told me that I would regret getting such a bold colour. Would I want to be 30 and driving around a tiny pink car? My answer to that, bitches, was and still is, hell yes. When it came to my car, I followed my gut hardcore and ignored what other people had to say, because I knew she was the car for me. I think that’s part of the reason why I love her so much: the decision to pick that specific car was completely my own. So, not only is she adorable, affordable, good on gas, easy to park, and she literally puts a smile on the faces of people who see her, but, most importantly, our relationship comes from me following my gut and trusting my own decision making. That feeling I get with Pink Sweetie, I want to feel that about everything important in my life, from my career, to my future husband, to my everyday routine and habits.

In my opinion, I’m a smart and well-intentioned person. And as much as I have grown to be indecisive, deep down I know what I should be doing/I’m smart enough to figure it out for myself.

My people pleasing, insecure ass has become so used to making sure that everyone else is cool with what I’m doing so that they don’t judge me and look at me in a bad light.

While it’s great to be caring of other people and aware of their feelings, as I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I need to stop putting other people’s opinions over my personal desires for whom I should be and what I should be doing.

When it comes to the way I spend my time and my life, I need to stop trying to be this person who is easily palatable to everyone, and I need to listen to my own gut, make decisions based on my own happiness, and be my own damn self! “Be urself” is written on the homepage of this blog, for God’s sake!

So, that’s what I’m trying to do. And now, here I am, equipped with:

a job offer in the trash can,
one week left of work,
no new position lined up, and
the satisfaction of knowing that I’m paving a path based on my own wants.

Now, I’m not the type of person who dreams of sitting around and having nothing to do every day.

So, after I decided to turn down this offer, knowing that I’d probably feel the same about other potential jobs, and keeping in mind that my current contract is ending, I had to figure out what I would do instead of working. I had to determine the reason for that bad gut feeling and do what would make me feel the opposite.

After a bit of reflection, I realized that the reason taking this job felt so wrong to me is that I’ve been trying to fit a mould that, at least at this time in my life, I’m not cut out for.

I’ve been trying to follow this conventional path of finding a position, hoping that it’s decent, and then trying to make myself like it. (I’m defs not bashing that process, because it works for a lot of people and it’s led me to gaining great experiences and important relationships.)

But rather than doing that, I want to spend time on the things that I already know I love, and let those things lead me to the way I make a living.

So, taking into consideration the things I love doing, my plan for October is to work on my blog, longboard, gym, and swim every day/almost every day (I don’t love swimming, but I’ll tell you why I’m going to do it.)

I really love storytelling, and I’m realizing that one of my life’s purposes will be to build a more empathetic world through that. I’m thinking that I need to get back into interviewing people to help everyone understand different perspectives. I’m going to determine what that will look like exactly, but the idea of taking the time to fully invest in that idea, as well as other ways that I can be creative, just makes me so excited.

What also makes me extremely excited is that come November, I’m going to Bali! For a week I will be living my dream at a surf camp (hence the swimming throughout October), then for another two weeks I will be travelling around with another jobless, boy-band-loving, soul-searching friend. #EatPrayLove

Come December and onwards… well, I’ll figure it out.

I recognize that my plans may sound impractical. But one way I look at it is, I once stuck to the status quo, which led to me spending thousands of dollars and years of my life pursuing a university program that did not get me excited. So, why can’t I get a little unconventional, take a significantly smaller financial hit, and spend just a couple months doing things I know I will love?

I feel like exploring my interests now will decrease my likelihood of regret later on in life, and it will either get me closer to my dream career or it’ll lead me to being more motivated to come back and get a regular job. Either way, it’s a win-win.

I also absolutely recognize that I’m a hardcore privileged chick for being able to purposely spend two months being income free. And I also want to make it clear that there’s nothing wrong with staying on a conventional path. As long as you’re happy and you feel like you’re putting your instincts above other people’s judgement, then you’re golden.

But for me, I know this time of exploration is exactly what I need, and I don’t think I’ll have a better time than now to take it.

So, while I may seem like a nutty mama to some, I’m doing me right now, and I’m just so happy about it!

What I’ve learned/some realizations:

You have to follow your gut—unless you’re a bad person and it’s telling you to hurt someone. But if you’re nice, follow that shit. Because if you don’t, you’re gonna end up living someone else’s life and wondering what if.
Not everyone’s going to understand your plans. (Shout out to my aunts who think I’m wonky and to my coworkers who give me kind, but sympathetic looks when I tell them that I don’t have a new job lined up.) And that’s OK, as long as you feel like you’re living your truth.
This doesn’t fall into the category of what I’ve learned, but I’m about to learn how to surf and how to be a better longboarder, and I just can’t wait! Hehehehe!!!