Dealing with timelines when society says you’re behind
… or when it says you’re ahead. Whose call is it anyway?
I totally had a mini photoshoot by myself with my GoPro and a tripod, and yes, it was very uncomfortable. But I needed a pic, ya know? And yes, that’s toothpaste on a zit.
I am usually quite content with my youthful nature, but there was one day this summer when I felt quite embarrassed by it.
I was outside my (parents’) house, decked out in head-to-toe protective equipment, ready to try some new things on my longboard—I probably looked like a big version of 5-year-old me when my dad was teaching me to ride a bike 21 years ago.
There were no other adults out playing on the street, and there was certainly no one over the age of 10 wearing knee or elbow pads.
While trying and failing to slide on my longboard, my body spread on the concrete (I was not hurt, though, shout out to my padding), I noticed a girl I went to high school with, prettily jogging by in her Lululemons.
The day before, this girl, whom we’ll call Pam, posted engagement photos on social media with her fiancé in their beautifully decorated, brand new house.
As she ran by—looking a little too pretty and dry for someone who was exercising on a hot summer day—I lifted my helmeted head from the road, and I couldn’t help but notice the difference in the timelines of our lives. (Goddamn comparison. Gets me every time.)
Sometimes you fall and look like an idiot, but that’s how you learn and grow.
Pam and I are the same age, but she’s getting married, she bought a house, and she looks put together and cute when she goes for a jog. Meanwhile, as we know, I’m a single girl, I live at home, and I wear a helmet that is covered in stickers when I play outside.
I know that I’ve talked briefly about this topic of timelines before, but, it seems to be such a huge theme in my life right now.
In the past month alone, I celebrated my friend’s baby’s first birthday, went to a wedding, attended three housewarming parties for people who moved out and/or bought homes with their significant others, and held a baby shower for my sister.
So many adulting, milestone events for people who are basically all my age.
As for me, well, my path is very different at this time.
I am freshly unemployed, taking some time to soul search and work on things that interest me, and I’ve been playing on the streets in full safety gear.
I may not be a homeowner or a wife, but at least my pivot and Peter Pan have improved.
I 100 per cent believe that what I’m doing is the best thing for me—I can tell because I’m excited to wake up in the morning and I get sporadic hyper jolts of happiness throughout the day. But, I have had conversations with friends who are in similar situations as me, and they often feel like they’re behind. And, while these moments are rare, sometimes I feel the same (like when my full-padded ass was sprawled on the ground while Pam pranced on by).
If I really felt like I was behind, then I would do something to fix it. However, I truly feel that I am in the place that I’m supposed to be in right now. But, for my friends who don’t feel so sure—and for the odd time when I am questioning the timeline that I’m following—here are some suggestions to help.
1. Focus on yourself.
Our paths are supposed to be different, so stop focusing on other people’s and start focusing on your own.
Some people get married when they’re young, some people get married when they’re old, and some people never get married. Same goes with our careers, when we move out, and everything in between. And it’s all OK.
We need to stop looking outward and comparing what other people are doing, and start looking inward and developing the self-awareness to realize what is best for ourselves.
My sisters and I are all close in age, but Tracey’s about to have a baby, Jade’s about to buy a house all by herself, and I’m about to ef off and go to a surf camp. If I tried to follow their timelines, it would not work out for me right now. We’re all happy doing our own things, and that’s how it should be!
Oh Gary, I love ya.
If you haven’t taken the time to do some self-awareness work and reflect on who you are and how you got to be that way, then I really recommend you do that. It’s something I’ve been working on, especially with my therapist, Danielle, and I’ve been finding that it’s really helping me understand myself and figure out what I want my personal timeline to look like.
So often we’re willing to get to know other people, especially potential significant others, but we’re not so eager to put in that same effort with ourselves—and we’re with ourselves 24/7! So, get to know you, biatch. It will help.
2. Look at other people.
OK, I know I just said to focus on yourself. But, sometimes it is helpful to turn to other people’s encouraging content for reassurance, or to learn about other people’s timelines and find comfort in knowing that they have done just fine going at their own paces.
I’m sure I’ve posted this many times before, but it’s just so good.
Jay Shetty is the best. jayshetty.me
For example (I’ve just seen these on Pinterest, so I don’t know how accurate they are, but you’ll get the point):
Oprah was fired from her reporter job at 23 and told she wasn’t fit for television.
Samuel L. Jackson didn’t get his first role in a movie until he was 46.
Meghan Markle got married when she was 30, then divorced at 32, then remarried at 36 and now she’s like, a princess.
Sidney Frank was 77 when he started Grey Goose.
J.K. Rowling was a suicidal single mom at 28.
Vera Wang designed her first dress at 40.
And the list could probably go on and on.
(On the flip side, if you feel like you’re moving too quickly by society’s standards, I’m sure you could find plenty of examples of people who did things young and it ended up working out for them. Take Joe and Maria, my parents. They were babies when they got married and today, they are still happy as clams.)
They were like 12 in this.
And today they’re just as happy. Look at the heart graphics my mom put on the pic.
Whatever age you are, there’s definitely someone successful who started later and someone successful who started earlier, so it’s all good, friend.
(Here are some articles that I’ve found to be helpful as well, both by my dude Gary Vee: All You Have is TIME and Don’t Get Tricked By Your Late 20s. I basically only follow positive people like this on social media, and it’s quite helpful for my mental health.)
3. Just do what makes you happy.
Maybe that means getting hitched, or popping out a baby, or changing your career, or learning to longboard, or whatever. You define it and you do it. Because happiness should be the ultimate goal, no?
Taken from Liane V, a Filipina queen.
Gary Vee again. He’s honestly the best.
So, if you ever feel like you’re behind, these are some things for you to remember that you’re doing just fine.
And if these tips don’t work, then just picture my 26-year-old ass in a helmet, kneepads, elbow pads, and sliding gloves, lying like a dingbat in the middle of the road with my dignity and longboard rolling away from me, and maybe that’ll make you feel a little better about yourself.
What I’ve learned/some realizations:
Wherever you’re at in life, it’s totally cool no matter what you think society believes.
You gotta go at your own pace if you wanna be happy.
If you follow the right people, social media can really improve your life.