I found someone who helps me to be happy
No, I don’t have a boyfriend. I have a therapist.
Since forever, I’ve been saying that people should see therapists the way they see their doctors or personal trainers. We should care for our mental health the way we care for our physical health.
A couple months ago, I decided that I’d start actually practicing that.
So, I did some research and made an appointment at Counselling Connection in Bowmanville, the only organization that would give me a free consultation—Mama doesn’t have benefits right now, so the cheaper the better.
I’ll save the details about the courage it took to actually make an appointment, the guilt I had for seeking help despite having a really good life, the nervousness I had heading into my first session, and overall, the positives and negatives I’ve experienced with this whole process.
But for this post, I want to talk about my last appointment with Danielle, my therapist, since we talked about something that I’m really trying to work on right now.
This blog doesn’t really have much to do with to learning to surf, or longboard dance, or cook… So, I’ve tossed in these pictures of me surfing in Hawaii, so that this post kind of fits in. But like, I’m learning about life, you know? So, it’s still Learn With Lels.
In my last session—two days before I went on vacation in Hawaii—Danielle talked about how I need to be happier now.
The Problem:
I’ve always been a goal-oriented person. I’m always planning something or working toward getting something done. While I’m glad I have that quality, I’ve realized that with that, I’ve been putting off my happiness until my goals are achieved.
“I’ll be happy when I finish school.”
“I’ll be happy when I lose a few pounds.”
“I’ll be happy when I can quit this job.”
“I’ll be happy when I have the career of my dreams.”
“I’ll be happy when I get a boyfriend.”
“I’ll be happy when…”
There are so many things wrong with this mindset.
1. In solely looking toward the future, I’m missing out on the good of the current day. And dang, I’m 26! I shouldn’t be procrastinating my happiness for when my youth is over.
2. I never get closer to being happy because as soon as I check off one thing on the list, another thing gets added on.
3. For many of my stipulations, the power to be happy lies in the hands of circumstances that I’m not able to control. Essentially, making my happiness the responsibility of someone other than myself.
4. Ew, I don’t want to need a man to be happy. Cue the Pussycat Dolls.
In talking about this with Danielle, I told her that I acknowledge that this mindset isn’t serving me, but I worry that if I allow myself to be happy now, then I’ll just settle for what I have. Not that my life isn’t great already, but I worry that I’d lose my motivation to want to work toward the dreams that I have. And then at the end of my life, I’ll feel regretful and unfulfilled.
So, rather than letting myself be happy now, I maintain a steady level of dissatisfaction, so that I always want to work at my goals.
The Study:
In response, my best friend—that’s one of the things I call Danielle behind her back—told me about a study that has actually really shifted my outlook.
The study was of overweight women who were trying to lose weight.
Half of the women were unaccepting of their current states, so, they only bought goal pants—as in pants that were too small. And they tried to lose weight while being fixated on the small pants that they couldn’t fit into.
The other half of the women bought pants that were their current size. They committed to losing weight, but while still accepting their current states and wearing pants they could actually comfortably wear.
And you know which of the women lost weight?
Not the ones who didn’t accept themselves. Not the ones who were so fixated on their goals that they wouldn’t even buy pants that zipped up.
The women who lost weight were the ones who accepted their overweight bodies. These were the women who said, “OK, this is my current situation. I’ll accept these pants and be happy with them now, while simultaneously, I will work toward shedding some pounds.”
If you wanna go on vacation and not gain weight, you can totally do it in Hawaii. The food is amazingggggg, and pretty healthy. And everyone is super active.
The moral of the story: Being unhappy during the process will not benefit you. Ruminating on what you want but don’t have will not help you get to where you want to go.
The Solution:
What will help you is to be happy now. Accepting where you’re at, being grateful for it, and allowing yourself to enjoy your current state, while simultaneously working to achieve your goals, will help you in the long run.
Danielle challenged me to stop buying the small pants, and to start enjoying the pants that fit now.
While this all sounded counterintuitive for me, I was willing to take on this homework because I have clearly not been benefiting from my negativity. And wouldn’t it be great if you could be happy now and have that help propel your life plans?
At the end of our session, Danielle told me to create a mantra to remind myself that being happy will help both my present state and my future goals.
I love mantras because they serve as quick reminders to get your thinking back to where you want it.
My friend taught me about this in undergrad while talking about preparing for nerve-racking things like exams and presentations. To this day when I have to do something that scares me, I tell myself: “I’m cool, I’m fun, I’m smart, I’m cute.” Lol.
My happiness mantra is simple: Happy now.
Right after my appointment with Danielle I went vacationing in Hawaii, so I never had to use my mantra—Hawaii is bliss and I am considering moving there.
Like, look! As you can see, it took zero effort to be happy while vacationing in Hawaii.
But now that I have returned and have been home for a week, I have been saying “happy now” over and over again in my head; I’ve been trying to welcome feelings of happiness, and block out feelings of dissatisfaction.
I am notorious for experiencing weeks-, even months-long periods of post-vacation blues. And while Hawaii was possibly my favourite vacation yet, I’m actually feeling pretty good right now.
Like, I won’t act like I didn’t cry when the trip ended—I’m an emotional woman! But now that I know—from the weight loss study and from my own experience—that being down will not lead to any life progress, I’m finding it easier to take the happy route.
This is my current phone background. It reminds me that, on top of being happy now, I also have things to look forward to. So, there’s no need to be sad that my Hawaiian vacay is over.
We’ll have to wait and see how this attitude will impact my goals, but as far as my day-to-day life, it’s been serving me pretty well so far.
So, my message to you is be happy now, y’all! BE HAPPY NOW!
What I’ve learned/some realizations:
Being down will not help you today and it will not help you tomorrow.
While it may sound counterintuitive, allowing yourself to be happy will help your goals, and it will make for a better life right now!
Danielle is the smartest person I know.
Even though I love Canada with all my heart, and I’m here and I’m “happy now” lol, I still might move to Hawaii.
Lanikai sunrise to mark a new beginning of being happy on the regular, you know?